I feel like as open of a person that I am, I keep a big portion of me closed off to the public.
For the past year and a half my life has been utter hell. And if it weren't for the fact that I have amazing friends and family to back me, I don't know what I would do right now or where I would be.
But none the less I have a dark cloud of doom following me everywhere I go trying its best to sabotage any bit of happiness that I have in my life.
I am a firm believer that when you marry someone, you marry them with the intentions of it being for life. That you plan on being a team, with unison. That you plan on being forever faithful and never stray.
Why is it so hard for that to become reality? Why must some people stray, why must they hurt the one person who would love them to the end of time and gladly fight all their battles for them and with them?
I'd like to think it's insecurities or immaturity, but the truth is, its just assholeness.
You must be a complete asshole to see that you have a person, a partner who would gladly give you their right (or left) arm for anything that you need. Yet, you string them around and hurt them time and time again promising to change, promising to do better. When in reality, you never loved this person, you just have a hard time loving yourself so you need others to do it for you.
I should probably back track and fill you in on what happened, other wise this just looks like a madwoman's rant.
When I left to join the Coast Guard I was 19 years old (2007). My first duty station (USCGC Dallas) was home ported out of Charleston, SC. When I arrive my cutter was underway, so they had me work at the sector where I meet my ex. For two weeks we were inseparable, it was almost magical. We worked all day together, and then hung out all night. We quickly developed a romance just as I was given the word on how and when I was going to actually meet my unit.
We kept in touch the whole month that I was gone. We called, texted, emailed all day, every day. He ended up waiting for me at the pier for me when my cutter pulled into home port. I thought he was perfect, I thought he was everything that I wanted and more. But I guess I was wrong.
Fast forward a few months later, a few patrols and we get engaged just before I head off to California. I was in my glory! I was completely giddy with the thought of planning a wedding for us, and making a life together. Once I was stationed down in Key West (2009), I noticed a change in him. We also had our first real major fight during this time too. A girl that was at the Station was commenting on his pages saying inappropriate things such as "oh I'm sure your girl wouldn't be happy with that", and he would leave comments on her pictures stating "the back of the neck is my favorite part of a woman". Naturally I called him out on it, to which he said he didn't mean anything to his comment other than just stating the fact, and he swore that she said it wasn't her writing those things. Apparently her ex-boyfriend hacked into her account and was writing that. I called bullshit, and told him that if I found out he continued any conversation with her that I would end us. To which he then begged and pleaded and said that I was over reacting but would respect my wishes.
He always said that he wasn't happy with his command. He seemed to have a lot of trouble there. I did my best with being 13 hours away to help get him on track and to move forward with his Coast Guard career. I was so proud of him when he finally got orders to A School, so we took vacation time together just before he had to leave. During that time, without anyone knowing we got married. As he headed up to Virginia, I made my way back to Key West as a newly married woman.
A few short weeks after returning back to Key West, I found out that I was pregnant. As scared as I was, I couldn't have been happier. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, I just didn't know when I would be one. Once he was reunited with me being stationed at the Sector with me I felt that we were ready to be a family! But I was so wrong.
I never felt so alone during my pregnancy. There was zero intimacy, zero love, zero care. I busted my ass all on my own to care for the house, clean up after him, plan for the arrival of our baby, and work. If I was lucky he would have made dinner once a month, but even that was pushing it. I remember countless days and nights crying, and talking to my baby, letting him know that no matter what happens mommy loves him more than the world and I will always be there for him. I remember the strangers telling him to be nice to me and to treat me right because I am his wife, and the mother of his child. I cannot begin to say how embarrassed I was that strangers were telling this "grown" man to treat me with respect.
We lived in a three bedroom apartment at that time. Just as the baby was about to be born he reconnected with an old flame from his hometown. He assured me that it wasn't anything major, that he was just helping her out. But I felt it was very wrong that he was trying to open our home to her when I didn't know her saying that she can move in with her children and be like his "second wife". Maybe it was postpartum speaking, but I told her that a home has only room for one head bitch and that it would be me and no other. That this was my house and my territory and she was not welcomed.
The whole first year of PAC's life continued being the same. Me begging him to love me and getting no where. I finally caught him cheating on me with 2 women. One of them happened to be the girl he wanted to move into our home, the other was someone else from his hometown. I thought it was crazy that he was constantly telling me that he wanted to go back to his hometown to see his friends, but leave me and the baby back in Key West. But after I found out what he was doing behind my back of exchanging messages, suggestive comments, and nude photographs I called him out on his bluff. I remember screaming at him for hours, telling him how I wanted him gone. But he begged, and cried, and pleaded stating that he will change and never do that again. He also stated how since our son was about to turn 1 and the whole family was coming down for this that his mother was sick, and this was the only thing keeping her faith and spirits up. I remember looking at him in complete disgust telling him how the only reason why I would be willing to make it work was because at that moment I loved his mother more than him.
A few months later I got out of the Coast Guard (2011). I was enrolled at the local community college and was also working part time at the day care on base. For some reason he couldn't keep his mouth shut, or was incompetent of following orders, but he was always getting himself into trouble with his command. But just as we are learning to adjust to our new life, he throws a complete curve ball at me. When I come home after being in school all day, and then working at the day care I see him sitting in his uniform still (3 hours later) playing video games. As I rush to try and put dinner together, he tells me that he is officially on terminal leave and that we will be moving to his hometown as soon as my finals were done.
Without the slightest bit of a discussion I have to uproot our life due to his whimsical nature and face the unknown. Neither of us had jobs, and we were just learning how to recover with me getting out of the service. I was livid. I could not believe that he would put us in jeopardy like that. How can he make a decision like that and not even think to consult me? With a heavy heart full of reluctancy I moved to his hometown.
And it was hell from then on.
In 2012, shortly after we got there he started talking to one of the girls that I caught him cheating me on with again. I told his mother, to which she said "well, what did you do to cause this?" Cheating is an action that one person does, that one person make that decision in their mind to do such actions. If me being livid with him for bringing me to a town that I wanted nothing to do with was the cause of him to go back to her then he was not someone that I wanted to spend my forever with. I knew that I deserved better. So, I gave him the ultimatum, change or I walk out the door with the baby. Once again he begged and pleaded.
That year he was unable to maintain any type of stability for work, leaving all of the finances on my burden. I was working full time, going to school full time, and taking care of the family full time. I was burned out. Exhausted was an understatement. So you can only imagine my surprise when I find out while he's away for training, two weeks before Christmas that he is once again cheating on me.
At this point I have no more emotion in me to cry, or scream. I remember calling up my parents and asking them if they can work on trying to come bring my son, my dog, and myself back home to New York. I knew that I couldn't be with someone who couldn't respect me enough to be faithful. I deserved to be with someone who wants to spend forever with just me and no one else.
Since the state of Florida does not have legal separation I drafted up a contract for us to sign and have notarized to guidelines that we both agreed to. He refused to sign it all month long. When moving day came hell broke loose. I remember him screaming and yelling at me that I wasn't allowed to take PAC, that he has to stay with him just as my parents pulled into the driveway. I remember clinging to PAC shaking and screaming and yelling at him saying how we were leaving, that he did this and there was nothing that he could do. As my parents are loading up the boxes that I had set aside for them he called the cops. So now I have the cops in my front lawn, and his sister (who I cannot stand). The officer asks me if the baby needs to be removed to a safe place, instantly his sister says she will take him, to which I insist that he is safest with me, I am his mother who is protecting him after all. Due to his assholeness nature we then have to go to family court to see what they can do, since divorce was not being filed at that time there was nothing they could do. Common sense finally seeped into his brain and he agreed to signing the notarized contract that I drafted up a month prior. After he took PAC to say goodbye to his family, and brought him home, we made our way to our new life.
I remember how the first few months of us being in New York were so strange. I cringed every time I would get texts from him begging me to come back home, that he new he messed up this time and wanted to fix it. I was where I belonged, I wasn't going to turn back to that, and I knew that he would never leave to come to us. Slowly my hurt turned to complete anger. The thought of his name became so vial to me. I've never had so much hatred for someone like I do for him, and to think that not long ago I loved him more than anything!
In July 2013 he served me with divorce papers, stating that he wants to have full custody of PAC, mean while he had not seen him since March when he came to visit for 3 days. October comes and I have to be in Florida for our court hearing. The court hearing mandated him to pay child support (I had been taking care of PAC all on my own without any help from him), and established a temporary custody agreement. I was awarded primary custody where I have him for 8 weeks, and he has him for 2 weeks. He has to come up every time and bring him down, and I have to go down and bring my son back home every time. It's a financially exhausting arrangement, but I'll sell my kidney if it meant I get my son back each time.
This past August 2014 we were supposed to have mediation. Here I was anticipating on us agreeing on terms and being able to put this miserable relationship behind me. I wanted freedom! I deserve freedom! Within 5 minutes he stated that he would not settle for anything other than him being the primary parent. Now we are about to be involved in a full on investigation, and the courts now have to fully get involved in who will be the better parent to care for PAC. I've never been so angry that someone would try to take my baby away from me. I am a mother, a mother is supposed to be with her children, to raise them to care for them, to love them like mothers do. Yet, how am I to do my job as a mother if I do not have my child? I know he's doing this to hurt me. As if I have not been hurt enough by him, he has to hurt me even more.
I know he has a girlfriend already, and the fact that he has moved on does not even phase me. I am more worried about my child. But what baffles my mind, is that he has her living with him, sharing the same bed that we used to share and he thinks its okay to do that with our son in the next room. That action alone lets me know that he isn't doing this because he loves his son, he's doing this to hurt me. What man would put his needs before his own child's needs? A selfish man would.
Which is why he doesn't care that every 8 weeks he's pulling his son out of school for 2 weeks. A program that I fought so hard for him to get into, he has to leave every 8 weeks. A real man would put his son's education first, not his own "needs".
My mother finally told my son, that his father is trying to take him away from me to where he won't live with me anymore. She said how he cried and said he would talk to his daddy to make sure he doesn't move to Florida because he lives with mommy. My heart breaks that my 4 year old now has to be a part of this in ways that I wanted to shield him from everything. But we are a family, and we cannot hide important information like this from each other. We cannot keep secrets. So while I may not divulge into every thing that has happened, I will try to let him know of the severity of what is going on.
Meanwhile, I just pray for freedom, because I just want to move on with my life.
♥Jess♥
