Happy Birthday Dear

Today is someones birthday...

This someone had once made me feel like they would never hurt me, do me harm.
I had put all my trust, faith and love into this person.

But they hurt me in ways that can never be repaired.
I'll never understand why they would go to the lengths they did to purposely hurt me, but I feel bad that they felt the need to.

I cannot fathom what I could have possibly done to hurt them to have deserved the treatment they gave me.

But I forgive them. 

I forgive them, but I'll never forget it. The friendship that we had will never be repaired, and after all they put me through, I don't want to be friends with them.

But I forgive them.

I forgive them because having hurt like that in my heart will only allow me to see pain and not enjoy the happiness that life has to offer. There is so much good in this world that I should not let one person's actions ruin my life.

Even though this person has done me wrong and hurt me, I will always wish the best for them.
I never want them to be hurt, or come to harms way.
I want them to be able to succeed in all their dreams, and live a beautiful life.

Ttoday is their birthday. A joyous day to celebrate!

Even though I won't be calling, texting them to wish them a happy birthday, I pray they have a beautiful day.
They still deserve to be able to enjoy this day.

I pray that they have a wonderful day to start off this new year of life for them. I pray that they feel loved by all of the people that surround them.

I truly wish that they have a very happy birthday.

So to you, if you ever get word of this, I hope that you see how I wish nothing but the best for you, and that this be a very special day for you. For you deserve nothing but the best that life has to offer.


♥Jess ♥

Love is Always the Answer

I have my minion home.... 

After 2 long weeks he's home.

If you are on my Facebook, you saw how my journey was.

I basically left my house at 7am to catch my 9am flight at Newark, NJ.
Then I flew to Atlanta (with a 3 hour layover).
Then flew to Florida where I waited for 2 hours till I had my son brought to the airport so we can go home.

I won't lie, I cried like a baby. 

We then flew back to Atlanta (with a 2 hour layover).
To land back in NJ, and drive home by 1am.

Can you say EXHAUSTION?! 

The next day I felt sick I was so out of it from spending the whole day traveling.

So needless to say my son has been having a hard time the last two nights going to sleep. So tonight when I put him to bed he asked me to lay with him for just "five minutes".
While we are snuggled in his bed, he tells me that he loves me. And I tell him that I love him back.
He then asks me if I love his Daddy.

And at first I was really confused.
Should I tell him what really happened between me and his dad, on why we didn't work out?
Should I just ignore his question?

And then an answer came from me that I was shocked to hear.

Yes

And as we drifted off to sleep I was thinking "why did I say that?"

I think I have an answer to it...
A part of me, no matter how hurt, how mad, how disgusted with him that I am, will always love him. After all, at one point I thought that I was going to spend forever with him.
After all, he is the father of the one person that I love most in this world.

I have to give him some credit for that..... Just not too much.

So it got me to thinking....

Even if we know that a person isn't right for us, or meant to be ours, if you cared about them at one point, you'll always care about them.

And that goes with any relationship.
Falling outs with family and friends; you'll always care for them, if you ever really cared for them.

I know in the heat of the moment I will say things that I don't mean about my son's father, but deep down, for my son's sake, I never want anything to happen to him.
In general I don't want bad things to happen to anyone.

Yes, we always talk about karma coming to bite people in the ass for the wrong doings that they have done to us. But, what do we really gain when we try hope, pray, participate in sabotaging someone?

In the end we don't get closure. 

All we get is a poisoned heart. 

What good does a poisoned heart do for us?
It corrupts our ability to participate in the love and good that this world has to offer.

We shouldn't be trying to "one up" people for what they have done.
Instead, we should feel sorry that they felt the need to hurt you, and pray/hope that they find peace in their heart that they made it a mission to spread hate and not love.

That is honestly something that I have been thinking of for some time.

I never want to wish ill on anyone. And for those who wish ill towards me, I feel sorry for you that you feel this way, and all I can do is hope that you find peace in your heart to allow room for love.

I don't know what the rest of my life has to offer me, but I hope to one day be able to continue to share a life of compassion like this.

Life is too hard to not want to see others succeed. We should all be trying to help each other out in that sense. Spreading love is the only way to make this world a better place.


♥Jess ♥

Jess like Yess is back!!!

So, I caved.
I went back to Facebook.

I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!!! 

Okay, that does sound wrong and weird but it is the truth. I've been miserable without it. I had anxiety without it!

That's bad. 

Does it make me a bad person that I caved back to the magical world of Facebook after just one week?

I'm not sure.

Does it mean that I'm a weak person because I caved?

Probably, but I know I am a strong person in other areas.

Does this mean that I will try to give it up again?

Maybe, in the future. But I think the time I spent away from it was just what I needed. 

I don't have time for drama, and I don't have time for petty bullshit. I need to work on being able to mend my self to make a whole again. And if this offends you #sorryimnotsorry .

On a side note....

If I hear one more person telling me that I will one day make a man very happy I will kick them in the shins.

Thats right, in the shins.

I shouldn't be what makes a man happy. He should already be happy, and complete. But when I meet him, my life would just enhance his.
Just like I want to make sure that I am whole before I add someone else to my world. No matter how you try, two broken people do not make a whole.
I've learned that the hard way.

It sucks.

But at the same time, I'm still hopeful.

After all, I am a hopeless romantic...


♥Jess ♥

With Eyes Wide Open

Do you ever feel like when you take 2 steps forward you end up taking 3 steps back?

I feel like I'm on the 3 steps back right now.

I've been trying really hard to eat right, and exercise. I'm not sure if I'm losing any weight. I'll check probably next week. But with working out, I have messed up my knee (BIG TIME). I've been in pain all weekend when I walk.

I know that it's always a case where I need to lose weight so I won't hurt my knees anymore, but I have to exercise to lose weight. So, no matter what I will have knee pain.

It sucks.

But hey, what can you do? You just have to learn how to play the hand of cards that life has dealt you.

Lately I feel like I keep getting the shitty deal of things. And lately I'm realizing that in all actuality, it's nothing personal.

Everyone in life goes through ups, and downs. And it's always easy to be fixated on the things that don't make our lives run smoothly. I know I tend to get in the "woe is me" mode from time to time. But I've realized, that I shouldn't. I really am blessed with everything. Even the downs, because it is teaching me strength.

What they say is true, you never know how strong you are until strong is your only option.

The first time that PAC left for FL to visit his dad I only cried when he left that morning, and when I picked him up. Yes I did get teary-eyed a few times in between, but I'm talking about a full on bawl fest where I can't see and my eyes are puffy afterwards. This time I feel was different. It was a different kind of pain of him leaving. But all I know is that I still have 5 days till I have my heart back where he belongs, with my heart. And soon, I'll be counting down the hours!

I just started watching the tv show Lost. Now, I'm only up to maybe episode 4 (I think), so I'm horrible with names. But I believe the character Charlie, has a tattoo on his shoulder that reads:

"Living is easy with eyes closed."

Now take a minute, and chew that in your head.

To me, it means that it's easy to live your life with blinders on, without letting people in. It's easy to go about life just focusing on you, and your "problems" never worrying about anyone but yourself.

But allowing people into your life, is what makes life so fun. Living with blinders on (or your eyes closed) has you living in black and white. But living with your eyes open, you see color, and that color enhances every aspect of your life from hereon out.

Keeping your eyes open allows you to see all the different hues that life has to offer. It will forever make an impact on you and change your every existence. It allows your life to be full, and rich.

People are the colors that life has to offer. And quite frankly, I can't imagine my life without color. I love it, it has shaped who I am, and it in return has given me color. I am grateful for the opportunities that life has allowed me to visualize these hues.

It won't be easy, and it will be overwhelming, but I will choose to live with my eyes open. For anything worth doing right is never easy. Anything that is of substance doesn't come easy. To be given the gift to experience the life I have been given, I want to relish and absorb all that it has to offer.

You'll never learn new things until you try them, and you'll find out how strong you are until you have to learn to be. It's true when they say that you never stop learning things. You'll always have to encounter new experiences, and you'll always face new obstacles. I guess its a good thing that I always liked school, and that I love to learn.

I'm soaking up life, like a sponge.


♥Jess ♥

Inner Peace (check!)

So the deal was that I have to give up my Facebook for lent.

I'm not quite sure if I can last all this long.
It's REALLY bad.

You don't realize how much of a part of this social media network site is a part of your life if you try to give it up when you're "addicted" to it.

At least once an hour I'm looking at my phone and getting mad at it that I can't go on Facebook.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! 

I do not think I would be able to last till Easter. I may not even last the week!

For real! It's not even a week and I'm beside myself!!!

I miss the social aspect of it. The fact that I am able to see what my friends and family are up to makes me feel like I'm up-to-date on my "current events".

Pathetic I know. 

At this point I feel like with everything going on, yes, I am happy that I have taken a few days of a break away from the "drama" that I was experiencing. I do feel like I have a better grip of creating an "anti-asshole" environment for myself.

My life is too short, too precious to have it spent dealing with petty nonsense that will only add struggle and not enhance it with positive experiences.

My bullshit meter has reached its limit, and I think I'm now to the point where I'm ready to use the backbone that I have worked so hard to obtain. I'm not going to be a push-over anymore. I will stand up for myself.  But standing up for myself doesn't mean that I will be aggressive or on edge. It just means that I won't be afraid to stand up for myself. It also means that I won't be partaking in the nonsense that won't be beneficial to my life.

If it does not add anything positive, then I will not be giving it thought.

Like my dad says, people or ideas that take up space in my mind should either pay rent or be evicted. And right now, I'm not collecting any rent so eviction notices are being sent.

I feel peace right now with myself.  This weekend was much needed to relax and enjoy myself.  As much as I don't want the weekend to end, I actually am okay with it ending at the same time.

This is the last weekend of me having "freedom". Next weekend I make the trip down to Florida to bring PAC home.

I cannot wait to see my heart!! The past week has been so quiet without him.  But I'm glad that he is able to have this time to be with his father.

As much as I miss him, I am glad that he is able to build this relationship with him.

I love my son, and I always want the best for him.

But in order to give him the best, I have to give myself the best. As wrong as it sounds, it doesn't mean that I won't be putting him first. I am, and always will. But, I need to take care of myself in order to be able to take care of him.

And that means improving my life by getting rid of drama, and focusing on the good. Granted, I've eaten like a pig this weekend, but I have been working hard on watching what I eat again and working out.  I need to take care of myself so I can be overall healthy to care for PAC.

So, heres to saying "Goodbye" to all the negative aspects that will not add any substance to my life, and "Hello" to positivity and wellbeing.

♥Jess ♥

Intimacy

Nothing hurts like heartache from intimacy.

When you're intimate with someone, and share experiences with them they become attached to your soul. I feel like when you are no longer with someone they forever leave a piece of them where the piece they took of you was. Our exchanges with each other as humans is more powerful than we realize.

You don't always have to tell people what/how you feel for them because when its real, they will know.
That's why I never told you that I loved you. I fell madly and deeply for you. I didn't want to, and definitely didn't expect to. But I did. I let my guard down and there you were. You were real, no bullshitting, just real. You weren't perfect, you had your flaws, but that's what I liked most about you.

With what I have just been through I couldn't imagine getting close to anyone again. But over a short period of time we did. And I was happy. For the first time in a long time someone else made me happy. I've never thanked you for that...

I really wish that for once things had been different in both of our lives so we can see where this would have gone. A part of me feels like we broke up, when we never were an item. I won't lie, I did cry, and I had vowed that I would never cry over a guy again. But you were special, you still are. Your friendship to me is worth more than gold. You don't get to experience honesty like yours very often, and that means a lot to me.

You told me that I'm your friend for life. I'm truly flattered that you would still want me as your permanent friend. Its a title I will take with honor.

When you suddenly stopped seeing me, I will be honest I was so hurt. For days I silently wondered what I did wrong. For weeks I have, and will, blame myself for it. I shouldn't have let you meet him. I'm so sorry that I did that to you. You'll never know how sorry I am for it. I hurt that you hurt. I hurt that your past hurts you. I'm not saying that I wish that my life circumstances were different, I'll never wish that, but I wish yours were. And for that, you can call me selfish.

I knew you moved on, you didn't even have to say a word. I just knew. Just like I said you know without a word how people feel about you... I just knew.

It killed me, all those weeks with you keeping quiet about it. Every time I asked you how you were, or what you were up to and you said nothing. I don't like secrets, but it wasn't my place to drag it out of you. Even though I knew I didn't have to.

I also don't like being taken along for the ride. Waiting to tell me wasn't the best decision you have made. I would have rather you tell me instantly. Just because I have things going on in my life doesn't mean that your news will make me collapse. In fact, I find comfort in it. Because before, I felt like I was in limbo. Not sure if I was coming or going.

But just because I find comfort in your news doesn't mean I'm not upset though. I am crushed. But relieved that the truth has set me free.

Maybe I never was supposed to be yours, or you to be mine. Maybe I did need to hold onto you as proof that there is good in humanity. That there are hearts out there that are real, and genuine. That there are people out there that are meant to be in your life for a lifetime.

I cannot thank you enough for the times that we shared. You'll never know how much they meant to me.


♥Jess ♥

If life were easy, it wouldn't be such a bitch

Baby got a ball cap on

Sure knows how to pull it off 

Sun out of them hazel eyes 

Looking so good but she don't try

Actin' like its no big deal

Smilin' underneath that bill

Looking so right its wrong

baby got a ball cap on....

"Ball Cap" by Glen Templeton

If you know me, and you probably do, you'll know my life secret. If not, you're about to find out. 

I always workout with a ball cap on. And it always has to be the same one... My pink USCG hat. I cannot workout without it. But, with working out you sweat (I mean thats how you burn calories, and gain muscle, right??), and my beloved hat was well... sweatstained. 

EWWWWWWW

I know. I know. I couldn't put it in the washing machine because I've been told it ruins the hat. I did however put it in the dishwasher.... 

Don't judge me.

It worked, and it worked like a charm! My beloved hat, my favorite hat, my ponytail hat was CLEAN!!!!! 

So what did I do next?? 

Oh I went to workout and get it sweaty again. Duh!

I'll honestly say I have the best thoughts when I'm running on the treadmill. I mean staring at the same aerosol can across the room just does wonders for entertaining me. -____- 

While I run, and blast my music so that I can't hear my brother coming down the stairs and then startling me, causing me to almost qualify for Americas Funniest Home Videos (if someone were to video tape me), I think. 

I should send out a warning, I mean y'all might get worried from the billowing smoke coming from my house in Queens thinking that it was on fire with all the thoughts that I think of. 

But have no fear. For Jess like Yess is here! 

**cue superhero theme song**

What do I think of when I run? Oh wouldn't you like to know ;) 

Actually I think of a lot of things. Like my future, my present, and sometimes I wonder about how I could have done things differently in the past. 

I'm never one to say that I regret the things that I have done because quite frankly, they have made me who I am today. But I still wonder about the choices that I have made. What if I did go with my gut feeling? 

I know of one instance in particular that I wonder about a lot. And I know that if I didn't do what I did, oh man would my life be completely different!! I'm not sure where I would be today from that choice, but I often wonder about it...

My future is sometimes hard to picture. There are so many different variables that cause them to be different. I feel sometimes that its more like "day dreaming". I mean its quite nice to get away from reality for a bit, but lately I feel like theres more that I need to worry about with the present than the future. 

Like right now I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart. In my previous post I mentioned about how I feel like I have been let down on multiple home-fronts. And it can be rightfully justified too. I feel like I have been attacked by the North, East and West. I'm petrified to think that the South is coming to attack too. 

I know that being "let down" is a part of life. Life sucks, I've learned that from an early age. But I was raised to believe that people who "care" about you will always be there for you, so you should treat people with kindness and respect. So as much as I hate people (and I do, y'all annoy the shit out of me), I always respect others and treat them with kindness. I won't bullshit someone, I won't lie to you, I won't go behind your back and do something to hurt you. I was never raised like that. I was raised to love. 

I have a big heart and it ALWAYS gets hurt it seems. It's been abused, neglected, manipulated, insulted, tricked, I mean the list can go on and on.... But I still choose love. Maybe I really am dumb to still believe that there is good out there in this world when shit keeps getting thrown at me and piled onto my small plate. But maybe I've been looking for love, and friendship in all the wrong places. 

I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places

Lookin' for love in too many faces

Searchin' their eyes, lookin' for traces 

Of what I'm dreamin' of

Hopin' to find a friend and a lover

I'll bless the day I discover,

Another heart - lookin' for love

"Looking for Love" by Johnny Lee

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm happy knowing that I have myself to count on. After the past relationship that I came out of, the last thing that I ever want to do is jump into anything. But I dream of life being like a fairytale, and I do dream of Prince Charming.... wherever he is. 

HA! Knowing my luck, I'm going to be the one who has to rescue him!
Go figure!  -___-

I'm convinced that people need to be like books. You know how books will have a description of them on the jacket? People need that! This way we can tell who we should spend time with, and who to avoid like the plague! There should also be a return policy if we don't like the twist in plot. 

Which has me wondering, who would return me? 

Would I even return me?

Heck! I know I'm annoying! I've been told that I'm too happy of a person and that people don't like me because of it.

I'm sorry?? 

No! #sorryimnotsorry  :D 

How can people not like people because they are too happy. Its like saying I don't like puppies or kitties because they are too cute. 

All I know is that I'm debating on writing up a questionnaire, application for people I meet. If they don't pass my standards I don't think I should befriend them. 

Oh if only life were that easy! 

♥Jess ♥

I'm lost without you...

So, I'm attempting this thing where I give up my Facebook for lent.

GASP!!!! 

**Screams!! Visions of small villages being destroyed as if Godzilla was attacking them.**

Yup that's what I feel like. 

Facebook has become something so ingrained in me that I feel completely helpless without it. 

Like a lost puppy dog.

Like peanut butter without its jelly.

Like macaroni without the cheese. 

I feel like Stitch (from Disney's "Lilo and Stitch" movie), where hes in the woods with the "Ugly Duckling" book, looking around saying that he's "lost". 

My creative outlet, my personal outlet, my emotional outlet has disappeared! It's like a really bad version of a breakup. I feel like Facebook broke-up with me and I cannot talk to "it" anymore. Only I was the one who broke up with "it". 

You've heard of the Kubler-Ross model for the 5 Stages of Grief:

• Denial 
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

When my friend told me that I should give up my Facebook for lent I was in the "anger" stage. 

     What do you mean I should give it up?

      I can't!!

      No! I love Facebook! 

And with that I realized I have an addiction. 

An addiction to Facebook.

Acceptance.... maybe?

Right now I'm in a mix of the denial and depression stage.
I keep saying, "I don't need Facebook. I can live without it. I don't have an addiction to it."
Then a moment later I'm stairing at my phone, helplessly and confused. Because for 1) all my apps have been re-arranged on my phone. And you'd be surprised how much that bothers me. It bothers me a whole freaking lot.  2) I can't check on my friends' posts, make posts, see who's commented on my posts. 3) Every time I want to write a witty status, guess what, I can't.
And I'm left feeling empty. Like everyone got invited to the party, and not only was I not invited to this uber cool party, and it gets worse... now I'm grounded.
--WAH--

I'm pretty sure that with time I won't feel such an empty void like I do right now.
Mainly because I have so much time on my hands.
You know what they say, idle hands are the devils hands....
In my case it's my mind.

It's been running wild with thoughts and emotions, from everything that has been going on in my life lately.
I feel like I have been let down on multiple home-fronts. People that I thought were there for me and cared about me have hurt me and left me confused.
It makes me wonder, am I really a bad person?

I don't think that I am. After all, I have a family who loves me. I have a bunch of friends telling me that I'm a good person. So what makes me attracted to people that in the end hurt me?
There have actually been studies that show that when you tend to have one failed relationship after another there is normally a common link with all of those people.

So, here I am, sitting and wondering.... what in the world do all these people have in common, or is it really me??

I feel like its that commercial we all saw growing up.... if you didn't I'm about to add this to the list of "dude you know she's too young for you when..." jokes.
But that commercial where the boy has a Tootsie Pop, and goes to Mr. Owl (theres a robot, and a snake too that I know of) and asks how many licks to the center of the Tootsie Pop. After 3 licks he gives up and chomps on it, leaving you with this "the world may never know".
Now, I'm half inclined to go and figure out myself how many damn licks it takes to the center of the Tootsie Pop, after all, I don't have Facebook to occupy my time.

Or, I can try and figure out why all these "relationships" have failed.

♥Jess ♥