My love story, or better yet, lack of one

I feel like as open of a person that I am, I keep a big portion of me closed off to the public.

For the past year and a half my life has been utter hell. And if it weren't for the fact that I have amazing friends and family to back me, I don't know what I would do right now or where I would be.

But none the less I have a dark cloud of doom following me everywhere I go trying its best to sabotage any bit of happiness that I have in my life.

I am a firm believer that when you marry someone, you marry them with the intentions of it being for life. That you plan on being a team, with unison. That you plan on being forever faithful and never stray.
Why is it so hard for that to become reality? Why must some people stray, why must they hurt the one person who would love them to the end of time and gladly fight all their battles for them and with them?

I'd like to think it's insecurities or immaturity, but the truth is, its just assholeness.

You must be a complete asshole to see that you have a person, a partner who would gladly give you their right (or left) arm for anything that you need. Yet, you string them around and hurt them time and time again promising to change, promising to do better. When in reality, you never loved this person, you just have a hard time loving yourself so you need others to do it for you.

I should probably back track and fill you in on what happened, other wise this just looks like a madwoman's rant.

When I left to join the Coast Guard I was 19 years old (2007). My first duty station (USCGC Dallas) was home ported out of Charleston, SC. When I arrive my cutter was underway, so they had me work at the sector where I meet my ex.  For two weeks we were inseparable, it was almost magical. We worked all day together, and then hung out all night. We quickly developed a romance just as I was given the word on how and when I was going to actually meet my unit.

We kept in touch the whole month that I was gone. We called, texted, emailed all day, every day. He ended up waiting for me at the pier for me when my cutter pulled into home port. I thought he was perfect, I thought he was everything that I wanted and more. But I guess I was wrong.

Fast forward a few months later, a few patrols and we get engaged just before I head off to California. I was in my glory! I was completely giddy with the thought of planning a wedding for us, and making a life together. Once I was stationed down in Key West (2009), I noticed a change in him. We also had our first real major fight during this time too. A girl that was at the Station was commenting on his pages saying inappropriate things such as "oh I'm sure your girl wouldn't be happy with that", and he would leave comments on her pictures stating "the back of the neck is my favorite part of a woman". Naturally I called him out on it, to which he said he didn't mean anything to his comment other than just stating the fact, and he swore that she said it wasn't her writing those things. Apparently her ex-boyfriend hacked into her account and was writing that. I called bullshit, and told him that if I found out he continued any conversation with her that I would end us. To which he then begged and pleaded and said that I was over reacting but would respect my wishes.

He always said that he wasn't happy with his command. He seemed to have a lot of trouble there. I did my best with being 13 hours away to help get him on track and to move forward with his Coast Guard career. I was so proud of him when he finally got orders to A School, so we took vacation time together just before he had to leave. During that time, without anyone knowing we got married. As he headed up to Virginia, I made my way back to Key West as a newly married woman.

A few short weeks after returning back to Key West, I found out that I was pregnant. As scared as I was, I couldn't have been happier. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, I just didn't know when I would be one. Once he was reunited with me being stationed at the Sector with me I felt that we were ready to be a family! But I was so wrong.

I never felt so alone during my pregnancy. There was zero intimacy, zero love, zero care. I busted my ass all on my own to care for the house, clean up after him, plan for the arrival of our baby, and work. If I was lucky he would have made dinner once a month, but even that was pushing it. I remember countless days and nights crying, and talking to my baby, letting him know that no matter what happens mommy loves him more than the world and I will always be there for him. I remember the strangers telling him to be nice to me and to treat me right because I am his wife, and the mother of his child. I cannot begin to say how embarrassed I was that strangers were telling this "grown" man to treat me with respect.

We lived in a three bedroom apartment at that time. Just as the baby was about to be born he reconnected with an old flame from his hometown. He assured me that it wasn't anything major, that he was just helping her out. But I felt it was very wrong that he was trying to open our home to her when I didn't know her saying that she can move in with her children and be like his "second wife". Maybe it was postpartum speaking, but I told her that a home has only room for one head bitch and that it would be me and no other. That this was my house and my territory and she was not welcomed.

The whole first year of PAC's life continued being the same. Me begging him to love me and getting no where. I finally caught him cheating on me with 2 women. One of them happened to be the girl he wanted to move into our home, the other was someone else from his hometown. I thought it was crazy that he was constantly telling me that he wanted to go back to his hometown to see his friends, but leave me and the baby back in Key West. But after I found out what he was doing behind my back of exchanging messages, suggestive comments, and nude photographs I called him out on his bluff. I remember screaming at him for hours, telling him how I wanted him gone. But he begged, and cried, and pleaded stating that he will change and never do that again. He also stated how since our son was about to turn 1 and the whole family was coming down for this that his mother was sick, and this was the only thing keeping her faith and spirits up. I remember looking at him in complete disgust telling him how the only reason why I would be willing to make it work was because at that moment I loved his mother more than him.

A few months later I got out of the Coast Guard (2011). I was enrolled at the local community college and was also working part time at the day care on base. For some reason he couldn't keep his mouth shut, or was incompetent of following orders, but he was always getting himself into trouble with his command. But just as we are learning to adjust to our new life, he throws a complete curve ball at me. When I come home after being in school all day, and then working at the day care I see him sitting in his uniform still (3 hours later) playing video games. As I rush to try and put dinner together, he tells me that he is officially on terminal leave and that we will be moving to his hometown as soon as my finals were done.

Without the slightest bit of a discussion I have to uproot our life due to his whimsical nature and face the unknown. Neither of us had jobs, and we were just learning how to recover with me getting out of the service. I was livid. I could not believe that he would put us in jeopardy like that. How can he make a decision like that and not even think to consult me? With a heavy heart full of reluctancy I moved to his hometown.

And it was hell from then on.

In 2012, shortly after we got there he started talking to one of the girls that I caught him cheating me on with again. I told his mother, to which she said "well, what did you do to cause this?" Cheating is an action that one person does, that one person make that decision in their mind to do such actions. If me being livid with him for bringing me to a town that I wanted nothing to do with was the cause of him to go back to her then he was not someone that I wanted to spend my forever with. I knew that I deserved better.  So, I gave him the ultimatum, change or I walk out the door with the baby. Once again he begged and pleaded.

That year he was unable to maintain any type of stability for work, leaving all of the finances on my burden. I was working full time, going to school full time, and taking care of the family full time. I was burned out. Exhausted was an understatement. So you can only imagine my surprise when I find out while he's away for training, two weeks before Christmas that he is once again cheating on me.

At this point I have no more emotion in me to cry, or scream. I remember calling up my parents and asking them if they can work on trying to come bring my son, my dog, and myself back home to New York. I knew that I couldn't be with someone who couldn't respect me enough to be faithful. I deserved to be with someone who wants to spend forever with just me and no one else.

Since the state of Florida does not have legal separation I drafted up a contract for us to sign and have notarized to guidelines that we both agreed to. He refused to sign it all month long. When moving day came hell broke loose. I remember him screaming and yelling at me that I wasn't allowed to take PAC, that he has to stay with him just as my parents pulled into the driveway. I remember clinging to PAC shaking and screaming and yelling at him saying how we were leaving, that he did this and there was nothing that he could do. As my parents are loading up the boxes that I had set aside for them he called the cops. So now I have the cops in my front lawn, and his sister (who I cannot stand). The officer asks me if the baby needs to be removed to a safe place, instantly his sister says she will take him, to which I insist that he is safest with me, I am his mother who is protecting him after all. Due to his assholeness nature we then have to go to family court to see what they can do, since divorce was not being filed at that time there was nothing they could do. Common sense finally seeped into his brain and he agreed to signing the notarized contract that I drafted up a month prior. After he took PAC to say goodbye to his family, and brought him home, we made our way to our new life.

I remember how the first few months of us being in New York were so strange. I cringed every time I would get texts from him begging me to come back home, that he new he messed up this time and wanted to fix it. I was where I belonged, I wasn't going to turn back to that, and I knew that he would never leave to come to us. Slowly my hurt turned to complete anger. The thought of his name became so vial to me. I've never had so much hatred for someone like I do for him, and to think that not long ago I loved him more than anything!

In July 2013 he served me with divorce papers, stating that he wants to have full custody of PAC, mean while he had not seen him since March when he came to visit for 3 days. October comes and I have to be in Florida for our court hearing. The court hearing mandated him to pay child support (I had been taking care of PAC all on my own without any help from him), and established a temporary custody agreement. I was awarded primary custody where I have him for 8 weeks, and he has him for 2 weeks. He has to come up every time and bring him down, and I have to go down and bring my son back home every time. It's a financially exhausting arrangement, but I'll sell my kidney if it meant I get my son back each time.

This past August 2014 we were supposed to have mediation. Here I was anticipating on us agreeing on terms and being able to put this miserable relationship behind me. I wanted freedom! I deserve freedom!  Within 5 minutes he stated that he would not settle for anything other than him being the primary parent. Now we are about to be involved in a full on investigation, and the courts now have to fully get involved in who will be the better parent to care for PAC. I've never been so angry that someone would try to take my baby away from me. I am a mother, a mother is supposed to be with her children, to raise them to care for them, to love them like mothers do. Yet, how am I to do my job as a mother if I do not have my child? I know he's doing this to hurt me. As if I have not been hurt enough by him, he has to hurt me even more.

I know he has a girlfriend already, and the fact that he has moved on does not even phase me. I am more worried about my child. But what baffles my mind, is that he has her living with him, sharing the same bed that we used to share and he thinks its okay to do that with our son in the next room. That action alone lets me know that he isn't doing this because he loves his son, he's doing this to hurt me. What man would put his needs before his own child's needs? A selfish man would.

Which is why he doesn't care that every 8 weeks he's pulling his son out of school for 2 weeks. A program that I fought so hard for him to get into, he has to leave every 8 weeks. A real man would put his son's education first, not his own "needs".

My mother finally told my son, that his father is trying to take him away from me to where he won't live with me anymore. She said how he cried and said he would talk to his daddy to make sure he doesn't move to Florida because he lives with mommy. My heart breaks that my 4 year old now has to be a part of this in ways that I wanted to shield him from everything. But we are a family, and we cannot hide important information like this from each other. We cannot keep secrets. So while I may not divulge into every thing that has happened, I will try to let him know of the severity of what is going on.

Meanwhile, I just pray for freedom, because I just want to move on with my life.

♥Jess♥

Spellbound

That moment when you cannot sleep because all you do is think of that special someone who has you enchanted by their mere existence. But, they don't even know how much of an impact they make on your life. How excited you get when they like/comment on anything on your Facebook page. And the thought of talking to this person makes you giggle like a schoolgirl.

They call it a crush for a reason. 

For at a moments notice if this special person does not feel the same way towards you, you are literally crushed. 

Ouch! 

I'm so afraid that this is what will happen to me. 

Oh dear, you have no clue how spellbound I am by your mere presence in my company. 

I shouldn't be, but yet I am. 

It's such a scary feeling, having a crush. You never know how they will react.

If it's positive then you'll squeal with delight! 

At least that is what I do. 

If it's negative, then how do you pick up the pieces that were left? How do you move on? 

But then what happens next if it's positive? 

There are too many variables to consider.

Maybe it's because I'm such a hopeless romantic that I cannot help but sit and hope that you might possibly have the same feelings for me that I do for you.

And maybe I'm a bit of a realist and can see all the reasons why you wouldn't have the same feelings for me.

Either way, I'm up half the night thinking about all the "what if's".

What if

What if...

♥Jess♥

Current Location: Friend Zone

Have you ever had feelings for someone, but you feel like they have "friend zoned" you?

Yeah that's how I feel.

Hi, I'm Jess, forever in the friend zone.....

JOY

I mean, I guess that it could be worse, this individual could hate me.

Why would anyone hate, me is beyond my wildest dreams, but hey, it could happen.

What constitutes someone to be "friend zoned"?

Then again, what is the "friend zone"?

According to what I've noticed guys and girls have two different standards of such zone.

My very good friend told me the guy's version, which I naturally forgot since is wasn't the version I wanted it to be.
But for girls, the "friend zone" is where the girl doesn't see you in any way other than a friend.
There is no way that anything more than pure friendship will happen between the two of you.
Forget sex. Forget kissing. Forget dates.... unless shes going to the mall and wants your oppinon on clothes.
That my dears, is the female version of the friend zone..... or at least MY version of the friend zone.

But nothing makes me feel more vulnerable rather than the conflict I am facing right now.

See theres this guy, and I can't help but feel that I have squashed all chances of being more than friends with him.

Thus, me being in the "friend zone".

I have always felt that he would never give me the time of day.

After all, why would any guy want to give me the time of day when he has gorgeous women surrounding him.
I would never be able to compete with their beauty, never mind their possible intellect.

It's just not my style.

So, I've laid low, and hoped that this guy would eventually look my way.

And he hasn't.

Well, they say it's true, alcohol always lowers your innovations.
So, naturally one night to which I was hoping to once again catch his attention, I had allowed alcohol to persuade my moral compass to not point due North.
I then allowed my attention to be deviated to a guy who seemed to want my attention.

To this day I still cannot look myself in the eye for deviating from my compass.
I'm not saying that I had sexual encounters with that individual.
For goodness sakes I am not that kind of a woman. I respect myself far too much.

But my point is, I now know that I have ruined any chance of possibly gaining this guys attention from my lack of a moral compass encounter.

What I hope for, is the chance to redeem myself, and to prove that I am someone worthy to be given a chance.
Because for once in my life, I feel that this guy is of a worthy character to spend my time with.

He has morals, beliefs, and he values himself.
This guy actually knows his self worth and wont settle for anything less.

I am enamored by his classic charm. 

They don't make class like him any more. 

My guess is that nothing will become of this, and in fact, he will never know how often he crosses my mind on a daily basis.

But thats okay right?
Because, sometimes, just sometimes dreams are better than reality...

And sometimes, its good to know you have a friend you care so much about....

Sometimes

♥Jess♥

I wanna grow old with you.....

I cannot begin to tell you how many people in the past month have asked me why I am single.

And the fact of the matter is, I don't know. 

I am perfectly happy doing my "single girl swag". 

I like the fact that I don't have to keep "tabs" on someone, and that no one keeps "tabs" on me. 

But I am a romantic, and my heart is ready to share love. 

I miss being able to spend quality time with someone who cares about me, just as much as I care for them. 

I miss being able to care for someone. 

I'm talking about being their shoulder/ear for when the have had a bad day, to prepare a home cooked meal for them after a long day at work, to be the reason that they smile.

I miss that. 

I miss companionship. 

As much as I would love a relationship and to be able to give someone my all again, I'm not going to settle. 

This time around, I know what I deserve and I don't want to be blind sighted by infatuation. 

I want chemistry, compatibility, and companionship. 

In the end, I really want someone to grow old with. 

When people ask me the dreaded question "so, do you have a boyfriend?" I cringe when I tell them no and see the look of shock on their face. 

Am I missing something here?

Am I supposed to have a boyfriend? 

And then I think.... 

Is there something wrong with me that does not qualify me to be a candidate for a partner? 

Yes, I know that I'm still in the middle of my divorce. 

No, I will never ever EVER go back to him, even for the sake of my son. 

Yes, I know that being a single mom is probably not so desirable for some. But trust me, I didn't plan on being one, but I'll never change it for a second.

No, I do not have the body of a model. But my heart is the biggest you'll ever see/meet, and I'm the most loyal person ever. 

I know this probably sounds like I am saying "someone, anyone, just love me", but that is far from the case. 

My time on Earth (like yours) is precious and limited. I don't want to waste my time with just anyone. 

I have a right to be picky about who I spend my time with. 

So, by all means, I'm not looking for the first guy to walk my way and start planning a wedding.

I want someone who shares dreams, goals, and ambitions with me, and has their own. 

Like I said before, I want someone who I can grow old with and still be madly in love with them till the day I die. 

I want someone who will not only be a lover, but a best friend.

I know that I'm not an easy person.

I'm stubborn, forgetful, and far from perfect. 

But, whoever you are, wherever you are, I promise till my dying days that I will give 200% into a relationship, and stand beside you through the darkest storms, and bask in your glow when you see the light. 

My heart will forever be yours.

That is a promise you can count on.

♥Jess♥

Destination: FIT CITY

Have you ever worked so hard for something, started to obtain it, and then had something happen where everything you worked for was thrown away?

That is what I have done. 

In January 2012, I made it my mission to get back to my Boot Camp body. And up till July 2013, I was only 30 lbs away from that.

Only with everything that my life has thrown me the past 6 months, I have destroyed everything that I worked so hard for.

I cannot even begin to explain how upset with myself I am for this.

I'm honestly ashamed to even look into the mirror. 

But enough is enough and I'm tired of making excuses for myself.

I'm getting back on that wagon and riding it all the way to Fit City. 

I'm going to work on eating right again.
And most of all, working on exercising again.

I used to work out 6 days a week twice a day. Now I don't.

Granted the past few months I have been dealing with a leg injury.  But I will go back to listening to my body and not pushing myself to the point of injury anymore.

So..... lets see how I can keep myself accountable on here.
Before hand I had an amazing support system.  I need to find that again.

Maybe this blog can be just that :)

So.... heres to hoping that I get back on that wagon and stick to it the entire journey. 

♥Jess♥

Goodbye 25...... HELLO 26!!!

Its hard to believe that just last year I turned 25, and now I am 26.

WHERE DID MY YEAR GO?!?! 

Last year I made a bucket list of 30 things to do before I turn 30.
That means I have to do a minimum of 6 per year.

Last year I only did 3.

So! This year I have to fix that.... because quite frankly, that was pathetic.

**wamp*wamp** 

But today as I reflect on my past year, I am grateful for all of the good times that I have had.
I feel blessed to have had meet the people that I did, and become close to those.
I am blessed to have seen the nights that turned into mornings where I laughed so hard I cried.
I am blessed to have felt youth.

I am also blessed for the hardships that I endured this year.

This was also another tough year for me. 

I learned a lot about who I am, who my friends are, and what I am capable of.

I've also learned how weak I really am.
This year I want to work on my strength.
I want to become a strong and powerful woman.

No more excuses.

I'm going to get back on track on working on myself.
I need to make myself a better person so I can be a better role model for my son.

I want him to one day when he gets older look at me with pride when he tells people that I am his mom.

I'm going to work on getting rid of negative influences in my life, and focus on the positive.

I foresee this being a year of change for me.

I cannot wait to see what being 26 will bring me.


♥Jess♥ 

Happy Birthday Dear

Today is someones birthday...

This someone had once made me feel like they would never hurt me, do me harm.
I had put all my trust, faith and love into this person.

But they hurt me in ways that can never be repaired.
I'll never understand why they would go to the lengths they did to purposely hurt me, but I feel bad that they felt the need to.

I cannot fathom what I could have possibly done to hurt them to have deserved the treatment they gave me.

But I forgive them. 

I forgive them, but I'll never forget it. The friendship that we had will never be repaired, and after all they put me through, I don't want to be friends with them.

But I forgive them.

I forgive them because having hurt like that in my heart will only allow me to see pain and not enjoy the happiness that life has to offer. There is so much good in this world that I should not let one person's actions ruin my life.

Even though this person has done me wrong and hurt me, I will always wish the best for them.
I never want them to be hurt, or come to harms way.
I want them to be able to succeed in all their dreams, and live a beautiful life.

Ttoday is their birthday. A joyous day to celebrate!

Even though I won't be calling, texting them to wish them a happy birthday, I pray they have a beautiful day.
They still deserve to be able to enjoy this day.

I pray that they have a wonderful day to start off this new year of life for them. I pray that they feel loved by all of the people that surround them.

I truly wish that they have a very happy birthday.

So to you, if you ever get word of this, I hope that you see how I wish nothing but the best for you, and that this be a very special day for you. For you deserve nothing but the best that life has to offer.


♥Jess ♥

Love is Always the Answer

I have my minion home.... 

After 2 long weeks he's home.

If you are on my Facebook, you saw how my journey was.

I basically left my house at 7am to catch my 9am flight at Newark, NJ.
Then I flew to Atlanta (with a 3 hour layover).
Then flew to Florida where I waited for 2 hours till I had my son brought to the airport so we can go home.

I won't lie, I cried like a baby. 

We then flew back to Atlanta (with a 2 hour layover).
To land back in NJ, and drive home by 1am.

Can you say EXHAUSTION?! 

The next day I felt sick I was so out of it from spending the whole day traveling.

So needless to say my son has been having a hard time the last two nights going to sleep. So tonight when I put him to bed he asked me to lay with him for just "five minutes".
While we are snuggled in his bed, he tells me that he loves me. And I tell him that I love him back.
He then asks me if I love his Daddy.

And at first I was really confused.
Should I tell him what really happened between me and his dad, on why we didn't work out?
Should I just ignore his question?

And then an answer came from me that I was shocked to hear.

Yes

And as we drifted off to sleep I was thinking "why did I say that?"

I think I have an answer to it...
A part of me, no matter how hurt, how mad, how disgusted with him that I am, will always love him. After all, at one point I thought that I was going to spend forever with him.
After all, he is the father of the one person that I love most in this world.

I have to give him some credit for that..... Just not too much.

So it got me to thinking....

Even if we know that a person isn't right for us, or meant to be ours, if you cared about them at one point, you'll always care about them.

And that goes with any relationship.
Falling outs with family and friends; you'll always care for them, if you ever really cared for them.

I know in the heat of the moment I will say things that I don't mean about my son's father, but deep down, for my son's sake, I never want anything to happen to him.
In general I don't want bad things to happen to anyone.

Yes, we always talk about karma coming to bite people in the ass for the wrong doings that they have done to us. But, what do we really gain when we try hope, pray, participate in sabotaging someone?

In the end we don't get closure. 

All we get is a poisoned heart. 

What good does a poisoned heart do for us?
It corrupts our ability to participate in the love and good that this world has to offer.

We shouldn't be trying to "one up" people for what they have done.
Instead, we should feel sorry that they felt the need to hurt you, and pray/hope that they find peace in their heart that they made it a mission to spread hate and not love.

That is honestly something that I have been thinking of for some time.

I never want to wish ill on anyone. And for those who wish ill towards me, I feel sorry for you that you feel this way, and all I can do is hope that you find peace in your heart to allow room for love.

I don't know what the rest of my life has to offer me, but I hope to one day be able to continue to share a life of compassion like this.

Life is too hard to not want to see others succeed. We should all be trying to help each other out in that sense. Spreading love is the only way to make this world a better place.


♥Jess ♥

Jess like Yess is back!!!

So, I caved.
I went back to Facebook.

I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!!! 

Okay, that does sound wrong and weird but it is the truth. I've been miserable without it. I had anxiety without it!

That's bad. 

Does it make me a bad person that I caved back to the magical world of Facebook after just one week?

I'm not sure.

Does it mean that I'm a weak person because I caved?

Probably, but I know I am a strong person in other areas.

Does this mean that I will try to give it up again?

Maybe, in the future. But I think the time I spent away from it was just what I needed. 

I don't have time for drama, and I don't have time for petty bullshit. I need to work on being able to mend my self to make a whole again. And if this offends you #sorryimnotsorry .

On a side note....

If I hear one more person telling me that I will one day make a man very happy I will kick them in the shins.

Thats right, in the shins.

I shouldn't be what makes a man happy. He should already be happy, and complete. But when I meet him, my life would just enhance his.
Just like I want to make sure that I am whole before I add someone else to my world. No matter how you try, two broken people do not make a whole.
I've learned that the hard way.

It sucks.

But at the same time, I'm still hopeful.

After all, I am a hopeless romantic...


♥Jess ♥

With Eyes Wide Open

Do you ever feel like when you take 2 steps forward you end up taking 3 steps back?

I feel like I'm on the 3 steps back right now.

I've been trying really hard to eat right, and exercise. I'm not sure if I'm losing any weight. I'll check probably next week. But with working out, I have messed up my knee (BIG TIME). I've been in pain all weekend when I walk.

I know that it's always a case where I need to lose weight so I won't hurt my knees anymore, but I have to exercise to lose weight. So, no matter what I will have knee pain.

It sucks.

But hey, what can you do? You just have to learn how to play the hand of cards that life has dealt you.

Lately I feel like I keep getting the shitty deal of things. And lately I'm realizing that in all actuality, it's nothing personal.

Everyone in life goes through ups, and downs. And it's always easy to be fixated on the things that don't make our lives run smoothly. I know I tend to get in the "woe is me" mode from time to time. But I've realized, that I shouldn't. I really am blessed with everything. Even the downs, because it is teaching me strength.

What they say is true, you never know how strong you are until strong is your only option.

The first time that PAC left for FL to visit his dad I only cried when he left that morning, and when I picked him up. Yes I did get teary-eyed a few times in between, but I'm talking about a full on bawl fest where I can't see and my eyes are puffy afterwards. This time I feel was different. It was a different kind of pain of him leaving. But all I know is that I still have 5 days till I have my heart back where he belongs, with my heart. And soon, I'll be counting down the hours!

I just started watching the tv show Lost. Now, I'm only up to maybe episode 4 (I think), so I'm horrible with names. But I believe the character Charlie, has a tattoo on his shoulder that reads:

"Living is easy with eyes closed."

Now take a minute, and chew that in your head.

To me, it means that it's easy to live your life with blinders on, without letting people in. It's easy to go about life just focusing on you, and your "problems" never worrying about anyone but yourself.

But allowing people into your life, is what makes life so fun. Living with blinders on (or your eyes closed) has you living in black and white. But living with your eyes open, you see color, and that color enhances every aspect of your life from hereon out.

Keeping your eyes open allows you to see all the different hues that life has to offer. It will forever make an impact on you and change your every existence. It allows your life to be full, and rich.

People are the colors that life has to offer. And quite frankly, I can't imagine my life without color. I love it, it has shaped who I am, and it in return has given me color. I am grateful for the opportunities that life has allowed me to visualize these hues.

It won't be easy, and it will be overwhelming, but I will choose to live with my eyes open. For anything worth doing right is never easy. Anything that is of substance doesn't come easy. To be given the gift to experience the life I have been given, I want to relish and absorb all that it has to offer.

You'll never learn new things until you try them, and you'll find out how strong you are until you have to learn to be. It's true when they say that you never stop learning things. You'll always have to encounter new experiences, and you'll always face new obstacles. I guess its a good thing that I always liked school, and that I love to learn.

I'm soaking up life, like a sponge.


♥Jess ♥

Inner Peace (check!)

So the deal was that I have to give up my Facebook for lent.

I'm not quite sure if I can last all this long.
It's REALLY bad.

You don't realize how much of a part of this social media network site is a part of your life if you try to give it up when you're "addicted" to it.

At least once an hour I'm looking at my phone and getting mad at it that I can't go on Facebook.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! 

I do not think I would be able to last till Easter. I may not even last the week!

For real! It's not even a week and I'm beside myself!!!

I miss the social aspect of it. The fact that I am able to see what my friends and family are up to makes me feel like I'm up-to-date on my "current events".

Pathetic I know. 

At this point I feel like with everything going on, yes, I am happy that I have taken a few days of a break away from the "drama" that I was experiencing. I do feel like I have a better grip of creating an "anti-asshole" environment for myself.

My life is too short, too precious to have it spent dealing with petty nonsense that will only add struggle and not enhance it with positive experiences.

My bullshit meter has reached its limit, and I think I'm now to the point where I'm ready to use the backbone that I have worked so hard to obtain. I'm not going to be a push-over anymore. I will stand up for myself.  But standing up for myself doesn't mean that I will be aggressive or on edge. It just means that I won't be afraid to stand up for myself. It also means that I won't be partaking in the nonsense that won't be beneficial to my life.

If it does not add anything positive, then I will not be giving it thought.

Like my dad says, people or ideas that take up space in my mind should either pay rent or be evicted. And right now, I'm not collecting any rent so eviction notices are being sent.

I feel peace right now with myself.  This weekend was much needed to relax and enjoy myself.  As much as I don't want the weekend to end, I actually am okay with it ending at the same time.

This is the last weekend of me having "freedom". Next weekend I make the trip down to Florida to bring PAC home.

I cannot wait to see my heart!! The past week has been so quiet without him.  But I'm glad that he is able to have this time to be with his father.

As much as I miss him, I am glad that he is able to build this relationship with him.

I love my son, and I always want the best for him.

But in order to give him the best, I have to give myself the best. As wrong as it sounds, it doesn't mean that I won't be putting him first. I am, and always will. But, I need to take care of myself in order to be able to take care of him.

And that means improving my life by getting rid of drama, and focusing on the good. Granted, I've eaten like a pig this weekend, but I have been working hard on watching what I eat again and working out.  I need to take care of myself so I can be overall healthy to care for PAC.

So, heres to saying "Goodbye" to all the negative aspects that will not add any substance to my life, and "Hello" to positivity and wellbeing.

♥Jess ♥

Intimacy

Nothing hurts like heartache from intimacy.

When you're intimate with someone, and share experiences with them they become attached to your soul. I feel like when you are no longer with someone they forever leave a piece of them where the piece they took of you was. Our exchanges with each other as humans is more powerful than we realize.

You don't always have to tell people what/how you feel for them because when its real, they will know.
That's why I never told you that I loved you. I fell madly and deeply for you. I didn't want to, and definitely didn't expect to. But I did. I let my guard down and there you were. You were real, no bullshitting, just real. You weren't perfect, you had your flaws, but that's what I liked most about you.

With what I have just been through I couldn't imagine getting close to anyone again. But over a short period of time we did. And I was happy. For the first time in a long time someone else made me happy. I've never thanked you for that...

I really wish that for once things had been different in both of our lives so we can see where this would have gone. A part of me feels like we broke up, when we never were an item. I won't lie, I did cry, and I had vowed that I would never cry over a guy again. But you were special, you still are. Your friendship to me is worth more than gold. You don't get to experience honesty like yours very often, and that means a lot to me.

You told me that I'm your friend for life. I'm truly flattered that you would still want me as your permanent friend. Its a title I will take with honor.

When you suddenly stopped seeing me, I will be honest I was so hurt. For days I silently wondered what I did wrong. For weeks I have, and will, blame myself for it. I shouldn't have let you meet him. I'm so sorry that I did that to you. You'll never know how sorry I am for it. I hurt that you hurt. I hurt that your past hurts you. I'm not saying that I wish that my life circumstances were different, I'll never wish that, but I wish yours were. And for that, you can call me selfish.

I knew you moved on, you didn't even have to say a word. I just knew. Just like I said you know without a word how people feel about you... I just knew.

It killed me, all those weeks with you keeping quiet about it. Every time I asked you how you were, or what you were up to and you said nothing. I don't like secrets, but it wasn't my place to drag it out of you. Even though I knew I didn't have to.

I also don't like being taken along for the ride. Waiting to tell me wasn't the best decision you have made. I would have rather you tell me instantly. Just because I have things going on in my life doesn't mean that your news will make me collapse. In fact, I find comfort in it. Because before, I felt like I was in limbo. Not sure if I was coming or going.

But just because I find comfort in your news doesn't mean I'm not upset though. I am crushed. But relieved that the truth has set me free.

Maybe I never was supposed to be yours, or you to be mine. Maybe I did need to hold onto you as proof that there is good in humanity. That there are hearts out there that are real, and genuine. That there are people out there that are meant to be in your life for a lifetime.

I cannot thank you enough for the times that we shared. You'll never know how much they meant to me.


♥Jess ♥

If life were easy, it wouldn't be such a bitch

Baby got a ball cap on

Sure knows how to pull it off 

Sun out of them hazel eyes 

Looking so good but she don't try

Actin' like its no big deal

Smilin' underneath that bill

Looking so right its wrong

baby got a ball cap on....

"Ball Cap" by Glen Templeton

If you know me, and you probably do, you'll know my life secret. If not, you're about to find out. 

I always workout with a ball cap on. And it always has to be the same one... My pink USCG hat. I cannot workout without it. But, with working out you sweat (I mean thats how you burn calories, and gain muscle, right??), and my beloved hat was well... sweatstained. 

EWWWWWWW

I know. I know. I couldn't put it in the washing machine because I've been told it ruins the hat. I did however put it in the dishwasher.... 

Don't judge me.

It worked, and it worked like a charm! My beloved hat, my favorite hat, my ponytail hat was CLEAN!!!!! 

So what did I do next?? 

Oh I went to workout and get it sweaty again. Duh!

I'll honestly say I have the best thoughts when I'm running on the treadmill. I mean staring at the same aerosol can across the room just does wonders for entertaining me. -____- 

While I run, and blast my music so that I can't hear my brother coming down the stairs and then startling me, causing me to almost qualify for Americas Funniest Home Videos (if someone were to video tape me), I think. 

I should send out a warning, I mean y'all might get worried from the billowing smoke coming from my house in Queens thinking that it was on fire with all the thoughts that I think of. 

But have no fear. For Jess like Yess is here! 

**cue superhero theme song**

What do I think of when I run? Oh wouldn't you like to know ;) 

Actually I think of a lot of things. Like my future, my present, and sometimes I wonder about how I could have done things differently in the past. 

I'm never one to say that I regret the things that I have done because quite frankly, they have made me who I am today. But I still wonder about the choices that I have made. What if I did go with my gut feeling? 

I know of one instance in particular that I wonder about a lot. And I know that if I didn't do what I did, oh man would my life be completely different!! I'm not sure where I would be today from that choice, but I often wonder about it...

My future is sometimes hard to picture. There are so many different variables that cause them to be different. I feel sometimes that its more like "day dreaming". I mean its quite nice to get away from reality for a bit, but lately I feel like theres more that I need to worry about with the present than the future. 

Like right now I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart. In my previous post I mentioned about how I feel like I have been let down on multiple home-fronts. And it can be rightfully justified too. I feel like I have been attacked by the North, East and West. I'm petrified to think that the South is coming to attack too. 

I know that being "let down" is a part of life. Life sucks, I've learned that from an early age. But I was raised to believe that people who "care" about you will always be there for you, so you should treat people with kindness and respect. So as much as I hate people (and I do, y'all annoy the shit out of me), I always respect others and treat them with kindness. I won't bullshit someone, I won't lie to you, I won't go behind your back and do something to hurt you. I was never raised like that. I was raised to love. 

I have a big heart and it ALWAYS gets hurt it seems. It's been abused, neglected, manipulated, insulted, tricked, I mean the list can go on and on.... But I still choose love. Maybe I really am dumb to still believe that there is good out there in this world when shit keeps getting thrown at me and piled onto my small plate. But maybe I've been looking for love, and friendship in all the wrong places. 

I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places

Lookin' for love in too many faces

Searchin' their eyes, lookin' for traces 

Of what I'm dreamin' of

Hopin' to find a friend and a lover

I'll bless the day I discover,

Another heart - lookin' for love

"Looking for Love" by Johnny Lee

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm happy knowing that I have myself to count on. After the past relationship that I came out of, the last thing that I ever want to do is jump into anything. But I dream of life being like a fairytale, and I do dream of Prince Charming.... wherever he is. 

HA! Knowing my luck, I'm going to be the one who has to rescue him!
Go figure!  -___-

I'm convinced that people need to be like books. You know how books will have a description of them on the jacket? People need that! This way we can tell who we should spend time with, and who to avoid like the plague! There should also be a return policy if we don't like the twist in plot. 

Which has me wondering, who would return me? 

Would I even return me?

Heck! I know I'm annoying! I've been told that I'm too happy of a person and that people don't like me because of it.

I'm sorry?? 

No! #sorryimnotsorry  :D 

How can people not like people because they are too happy. Its like saying I don't like puppies or kitties because they are too cute. 

All I know is that I'm debating on writing up a questionnaire, application for people I meet. If they don't pass my standards I don't think I should befriend them. 

Oh if only life were that easy! 

♥Jess ♥

I'm lost without you...

So, I'm attempting this thing where I give up my Facebook for lent.

GASP!!!! 

**Screams!! Visions of small villages being destroyed as if Godzilla was attacking them.**

Yup that's what I feel like. 

Facebook has become something so ingrained in me that I feel completely helpless without it. 

Like a lost puppy dog.

Like peanut butter without its jelly.

Like macaroni without the cheese. 

I feel like Stitch (from Disney's "Lilo and Stitch" movie), where hes in the woods with the "Ugly Duckling" book, looking around saying that he's "lost". 

My creative outlet, my personal outlet, my emotional outlet has disappeared! It's like a really bad version of a breakup. I feel like Facebook broke-up with me and I cannot talk to "it" anymore. Only I was the one who broke up with "it". 

You've heard of the Kubler-Ross model for the 5 Stages of Grief:

• Denial 
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

When my friend told me that I should give up my Facebook for lent I was in the "anger" stage. 

     What do you mean I should give it up?

      I can't!!

      No! I love Facebook! 

And with that I realized I have an addiction. 

An addiction to Facebook.

Acceptance.... maybe?

Right now I'm in a mix of the denial and depression stage.
I keep saying, "I don't need Facebook. I can live without it. I don't have an addiction to it."
Then a moment later I'm stairing at my phone, helplessly and confused. Because for 1) all my apps have been re-arranged on my phone. And you'd be surprised how much that bothers me. It bothers me a whole freaking lot.  2) I can't check on my friends' posts, make posts, see who's commented on my posts. 3) Every time I want to write a witty status, guess what, I can't.
And I'm left feeling empty. Like everyone got invited to the party, and not only was I not invited to this uber cool party, and it gets worse... now I'm grounded.
--WAH--

I'm pretty sure that with time I won't feel such an empty void like I do right now.
Mainly because I have so much time on my hands.
You know what they say, idle hands are the devils hands....
In my case it's my mind.

It's been running wild with thoughts and emotions, from everything that has been going on in my life lately.
I feel like I have been let down on multiple home-fronts. People that I thought were there for me and cared about me have hurt me and left me confused.
It makes me wonder, am I really a bad person?

I don't think that I am. After all, I have a family who loves me. I have a bunch of friends telling me that I'm a good person. So what makes me attracted to people that in the end hurt me?
There have actually been studies that show that when you tend to have one failed relationship after another there is normally a common link with all of those people.

So, here I am, sitting and wondering.... what in the world do all these people have in common, or is it really me??

I feel like its that commercial we all saw growing up.... if you didn't I'm about to add this to the list of "dude you know she's too young for you when..." jokes.
But that commercial where the boy has a Tootsie Pop, and goes to Mr. Owl (theres a robot, and a snake too that I know of) and asks how many licks to the center of the Tootsie Pop. After 3 licks he gives up and chomps on it, leaving you with this "the world may never know".
Now, I'm half inclined to go and figure out myself how many damn licks it takes to the center of the Tootsie Pop, after all, I don't have Facebook to occupy my time.

Or, I can try and figure out why all these "relationships" have failed.

♥Jess ♥