Intimacy

Nothing hurts like heartache from intimacy.

When you're intimate with someone, and share experiences with them they become attached to your soul. I feel like when you are no longer with someone they forever leave a piece of them where the piece they took of you was. Our exchanges with each other as humans is more powerful than we realize.

You don't always have to tell people what/how you feel for them because when its real, they will know.
That's why I never told you that I loved you. I fell madly and deeply for you. I didn't want to, and definitely didn't expect to. But I did. I let my guard down and there you were. You were real, no bullshitting, just real. You weren't perfect, you had your flaws, but that's what I liked most about you.

With what I have just been through I couldn't imagine getting close to anyone again. But over a short period of time we did. And I was happy. For the first time in a long time someone else made me happy. I've never thanked you for that...

I really wish that for once things had been different in both of our lives so we can see where this would have gone. A part of me feels like we broke up, when we never were an item. I won't lie, I did cry, and I had vowed that I would never cry over a guy again. But you were special, you still are. Your friendship to me is worth more than gold. You don't get to experience honesty like yours very often, and that means a lot to me.

You told me that I'm your friend for life. I'm truly flattered that you would still want me as your permanent friend. Its a title I will take with honor.

When you suddenly stopped seeing me, I will be honest I was so hurt. For days I silently wondered what I did wrong. For weeks I have, and will, blame myself for it. I shouldn't have let you meet him. I'm so sorry that I did that to you. You'll never know how sorry I am for it. I hurt that you hurt. I hurt that your past hurts you. I'm not saying that I wish that my life circumstances were different, I'll never wish that, but I wish yours were. And for that, you can call me selfish.

I knew you moved on, you didn't even have to say a word. I just knew. Just like I said you know without a word how people feel about you... I just knew.

It killed me, all those weeks with you keeping quiet about it. Every time I asked you how you were, or what you were up to and you said nothing. I don't like secrets, but it wasn't my place to drag it out of you. Even though I knew I didn't have to.

I also don't like being taken along for the ride. Waiting to tell me wasn't the best decision you have made. I would have rather you tell me instantly. Just because I have things going on in my life doesn't mean that your news will make me collapse. In fact, I find comfort in it. Because before, I felt like I was in limbo. Not sure if I was coming or going.

But just because I find comfort in your news doesn't mean I'm not upset though. I am crushed. But relieved that the truth has set me free.

Maybe I never was supposed to be yours, or you to be mine. Maybe I did need to hold onto you as proof that there is good in humanity. That there are hearts out there that are real, and genuine. That there are people out there that are meant to be in your life for a lifetime.

I cannot thank you enough for the times that we shared. You'll never know how much they meant to me.


♥Jess ♥