If life were easy, it wouldn't be such a bitch

Baby got a ball cap on

Sure knows how to pull it off 

Sun out of them hazel eyes 

Looking so good but she don't try

Actin' like its no big deal

Smilin' underneath that bill

Looking so right its wrong

baby got a ball cap on....

"Ball Cap" by Glen Templeton

If you know me, and you probably do, you'll know my life secret. If not, you're about to find out. 

I always workout with a ball cap on. And it always has to be the same one... My pink USCG hat. I cannot workout without it. But, with working out you sweat (I mean thats how you burn calories, and gain muscle, right??), and my beloved hat was well... sweatstained. 

EWWWWWWW

I know. I know. I couldn't put it in the washing machine because I've been told it ruins the hat. I did however put it in the dishwasher.... 

Don't judge me.

It worked, and it worked like a charm! My beloved hat, my favorite hat, my ponytail hat was CLEAN!!!!! 

So what did I do next?? 

Oh I went to workout and get it sweaty again. Duh!

I'll honestly say I have the best thoughts when I'm running on the treadmill. I mean staring at the same aerosol can across the room just does wonders for entertaining me. -____- 

While I run, and blast my music so that I can't hear my brother coming down the stairs and then startling me, causing me to almost qualify for Americas Funniest Home Videos (if someone were to video tape me), I think. 

I should send out a warning, I mean y'all might get worried from the billowing smoke coming from my house in Queens thinking that it was on fire with all the thoughts that I think of. 

But have no fear. For Jess like Yess is here! 

**cue superhero theme song**

What do I think of when I run? Oh wouldn't you like to know ;) 

Actually I think of a lot of things. Like my future, my present, and sometimes I wonder about how I could have done things differently in the past. 

I'm never one to say that I regret the things that I have done because quite frankly, they have made me who I am today. But I still wonder about the choices that I have made. What if I did go with my gut feeling? 

I know of one instance in particular that I wonder about a lot. And I know that if I didn't do what I did, oh man would my life be completely different!! I'm not sure where I would be today from that choice, but I often wonder about it...

My future is sometimes hard to picture. There are so many different variables that cause them to be different. I feel sometimes that its more like "day dreaming". I mean its quite nice to get away from reality for a bit, but lately I feel like theres more that I need to worry about with the present than the future. 

Like right now I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart. In my previous post I mentioned about how I feel like I have been let down on multiple home-fronts. And it can be rightfully justified too. I feel like I have been attacked by the North, East and West. I'm petrified to think that the South is coming to attack too. 

I know that being "let down" is a part of life. Life sucks, I've learned that from an early age. But I was raised to believe that people who "care" about you will always be there for you, so you should treat people with kindness and respect. So as much as I hate people (and I do, y'all annoy the shit out of me), I always respect others and treat them with kindness. I won't bullshit someone, I won't lie to you, I won't go behind your back and do something to hurt you. I was never raised like that. I was raised to love. 

I have a big heart and it ALWAYS gets hurt it seems. It's been abused, neglected, manipulated, insulted, tricked, I mean the list can go on and on.... But I still choose love. Maybe I really am dumb to still believe that there is good out there in this world when shit keeps getting thrown at me and piled onto my small plate. But maybe I've been looking for love, and friendship in all the wrong places. 

I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places

Lookin' for love in too many faces

Searchin' their eyes, lookin' for traces 

Of what I'm dreamin' of

Hopin' to find a friend and a lover

I'll bless the day I discover,

Another heart - lookin' for love

"Looking for Love" by Johnny Lee

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm happy knowing that I have myself to count on. After the past relationship that I came out of, the last thing that I ever want to do is jump into anything. But I dream of life being like a fairytale, and I do dream of Prince Charming.... wherever he is. 

HA! Knowing my luck, I'm going to be the one who has to rescue him!
Go figure!  -___-

I'm convinced that people need to be like books. You know how books will have a description of them on the jacket? People need that! This way we can tell who we should spend time with, and who to avoid like the plague! There should also be a return policy if we don't like the twist in plot. 

Which has me wondering, who would return me? 

Would I even return me?

Heck! I know I'm annoying! I've been told that I'm too happy of a person and that people don't like me because of it.

I'm sorry?? 

No! #sorryimnotsorry  :D 

How can people not like people because they are too happy. Its like saying I don't like puppies or kitties because they are too cute. 

All I know is that I'm debating on writing up a questionnaire, application for people I meet. If they don't pass my standards I don't think I should befriend them. 

Oh if only life were that easy! 

♥Jess ♥

I'm lost without you...

So, I'm attempting this thing where I give up my Facebook for lent.

GASP!!!! 

**Screams!! Visions of small villages being destroyed as if Godzilla was attacking them.**

Yup that's what I feel like. 

Facebook has become something so ingrained in me that I feel completely helpless without it. 

Like a lost puppy dog.

Like peanut butter without its jelly.

Like macaroni without the cheese. 

I feel like Stitch (from Disney's "Lilo and Stitch" movie), where hes in the woods with the "Ugly Duckling" book, looking around saying that he's "lost". 

My creative outlet, my personal outlet, my emotional outlet has disappeared! It's like a really bad version of a breakup. I feel like Facebook broke-up with me and I cannot talk to "it" anymore. Only I was the one who broke up with "it". 

You've heard of the Kubler-Ross model for the 5 Stages of Grief:

• Denial 
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression 
• Acceptance

When my friend told me that I should give up my Facebook for lent I was in the "anger" stage. 

     What do you mean I should give it up?

      I can't!!

      No! I love Facebook! 

And with that I realized I have an addiction. 

An addiction to Facebook.

Acceptance.... maybe?

Right now I'm in a mix of the denial and depression stage.
I keep saying, "I don't need Facebook. I can live without it. I don't have an addiction to it."
Then a moment later I'm stairing at my phone, helplessly and confused. Because for 1) all my apps have been re-arranged on my phone. And you'd be surprised how much that bothers me. It bothers me a whole freaking lot.  2) I can't check on my friends' posts, make posts, see who's commented on my posts. 3) Every time I want to write a witty status, guess what, I can't.
And I'm left feeling empty. Like everyone got invited to the party, and not only was I not invited to this uber cool party, and it gets worse... now I'm grounded.
--WAH--

I'm pretty sure that with time I won't feel such an empty void like I do right now.
Mainly because I have so much time on my hands.
You know what they say, idle hands are the devils hands....
In my case it's my mind.

It's been running wild with thoughts and emotions, from everything that has been going on in my life lately.
I feel like I have been let down on multiple home-fronts. People that I thought were there for me and cared about me have hurt me and left me confused.
It makes me wonder, am I really a bad person?

I don't think that I am. After all, I have a family who loves me. I have a bunch of friends telling me that I'm a good person. So what makes me attracted to people that in the end hurt me?
There have actually been studies that show that when you tend to have one failed relationship after another there is normally a common link with all of those people.

So, here I am, sitting and wondering.... what in the world do all these people have in common, or is it really me??

I feel like its that commercial we all saw growing up.... if you didn't I'm about to add this to the list of "dude you know she's too young for you when..." jokes.
But that commercial where the boy has a Tootsie Pop, and goes to Mr. Owl (theres a robot, and a snake too that I know of) and asks how many licks to the center of the Tootsie Pop. After 3 licks he gives up and chomps on it, leaving you with this "the world may never know".
Now, I'm half inclined to go and figure out myself how many damn licks it takes to the center of the Tootsie Pop, after all, I don't have Facebook to occupy my time.

Or, I can try and figure out why all these "relationships" have failed.

♥Jess ♥

On ward movement

While I am having a big case of writers block for my English essay (due tomorrow morning at 8am!!) I figured I'll get some things off my chest.
First off, I have once again started Turbo Fire. But this time I am hell bent on finishing it. No I am not giving myself the finger of shame for stopping or taking a break. I am embracing it and moving on...

On ward movement!

Secondly, I had an epiphany (cue in the singing heavenly choir of angels). When I became pregnant with Patrick (August/September of 2009) I was about 175-180 lbs. Today I weigh about 188!!! I am so close to being done with the "baby weight". So, my dieting and exercise is now in full swing.
I am so determined to break that number by the time I go to NYC with Patrick for Christmas!!!

Fellow NYers, I promise you will see me at my lowest weight in 3 years!

So basically I restarted Turbo Fire on Monday. So after I complete my workout today I have finished week 1!!! Yay!!! I'll weigh myself on Tuesday because I need to get a new scale. For some odd reason my scale doesn't turn on all the time. So either its been dropped to many times by Patrick playing with it or my battery is dead. I'm not sure... Either way I've been good with not living my life on the scale this week.

Living my life on the scale is probably the hardest thing to break for me. If I could I would weigh myself all day every day. And thats not healthy. Naturally your body will fluctuate throughout the day from water and food intake. So you could be drinking enough water to prepare yourself for a drought but that will cause the numbers on the scale to rise. But you think, something is wrong? All I've had was water... Thus it is not good to live your life by the scale.

Maybe designating a weekly weigh in day will help me with that. I know that sometimes when I feel like I have eaten a lot the next day I step up on the scale to see how much "damage" I have done. Thus creating the cycle of the scale life.

Last night was particularly hard for me. I had a shake for breakfast (10am), pasta for lunch (I know!!! I'm horrible) (2pm), and for dinner we ended up going to this thing called Grills Gone Wild where a bunch of places had their best grilled food for people to sample. I think we went to 4-5 different booths for bite sized portion samples. With the news of there being no more twinkies, all I have wanted was to have some... Last night in particular. It took every ounce of will power to not run to the store and find some. That, and ice cream... I could have eaten the carton that is in my freezer single handedly.
But I didn't!!!
Instead I did my Turbo Fire workout (Fire 30 and Stretch 10), and drank about 3 bottles of water. After that I actually felt a bit better. The desire to eat what I know I didn't need, and was only for pure satisfaction went away.

Which made me realize...
Holy Cow! I am actually in control of my body!!! For once in my life I feel like I have a grasp and not let it run with the wind and give in to its every beaconing call. That power that I felt when I went to be last night was something completely different. For once I was able to ignore a craving and not act on it and not feel guilty about it!!!

So, I hope that all of you who are going through the same struggle as I am can feel empowered to tell that little voice in your head that you don't need to eat XYZ. You are perfectly fine without it, and kick that craving to the curb!

Still figuring out the math on why I seem to run to the bathroom twice the amount of bottles of water I drink....

<3 Jess <3

setting goals!

Sometimes I wonder if Geoff and I were horrible people in our past lives because every time it seems like we get to see a glimpse of light we have to take 3 steps back. It's very frustrating and discouraging at times but I am a firm believer that God does not give us more than we can handle.

With that being said.... school has started in full swing for me. I'm taking 5 classes (13 credits), on top of still working. I've been averaging about 30 hours a week. So I'm absolutely exhausted and stressed to the max! I keep having to tell myself that one day it will all pay off when I get that paper that calls me a college graduate, and when I finally get my degree in accounting (I know, boring! lol! but I love numbers!).

So because of everything my workout/health/fitness has been put on hold. But I feel like I am missing something in my life. Yes, I feel great compared to how I was last year. But I am no where near where I want to be.

So it's time to get back on the wagon!!

I have a goal! 20 lbs by Christmas! Its 100% achievable and I know that if I work really hard I can reach that before Christmas!

Today I decided that it was going to be day one of my workout program (again). Although my eating wasn't the best, I still ate in moderation, and did work out.
Starting tomorrow I will be back to logging all of my food.

That doesn't mean that I will be posting everyday. It may be whenever the urge strikes. But I will do my best.

Tomorrow I will be getting up really early to get my workout done before I get ready for school. When I get out of class, I have to pick up somethings for my niece for her 14th birthday!!! So I'm nervous to see how I will last tomorrow with working out, school, and work. I may need a good cry by the end of the night. We shall see.

Anywho, homework is calling my name. >__<


<3 Jess <3

Its never too late to feel brand new (T. Swift) 8/5/12

So its been like forever and a day since I have been on here. I know crazy huh? But if you haven't paid attention to my facebook status updates, heres whats been happening in my life.
In 1 week I went from working as a cashier/pickup/takeout person at the restaurant, to bar-tending and serving!! Yikes! We then had a server shortage, so I somehow was blessed to work on average 5 doubles a week (working 6 days a week). With all this working my feet are killing me all day long. So I have stopped working out. But something was missing in my life. I didn't have my time to just be me.

I realized that it was because I wasn't working out anymore. When I worked out I was on such a natural high, knowing that my body was being cared for, and that I was becoming healthier. I missed it!

So tonight, I had my last day of eating crazy foods, and I ended the night with getting back into Turbo Fire!!

So heres to Week One Day One with Fire 30 and Stretch 10!!!!

I cannot wait to take my shower! hahaha!!!

<3 Jess <3 

GUESS WHO'S BACK??!!

I'M BACK!!!!!!
Did ya miss me?? Did ya?? eh, it doesn't hurt my feelings if you didn't, but it does make me happy if you did :)

Okay, so basically for the past few weeks I have been on a roller coaster with my old job. Yup, incase you missed my Facebook memo's I quit. And am in the process of being paid. But I found a new job to work at. One that the promised to pay me with, and one that I know won't take advantage of me like the old job did.
I am very excited to start my new job at a brand new pizzeria/Italian restaurant over in Lynn Haven.
And for those of you who really do know me, you know that if I could eat one item for the rest of my life, it would be pizza. So needless to say I am a happy girl. I won't be a server, which is fine by me, but I'll be dealing with the register and helping to take all of the phone to go orders.
The last two days have been orientaion. Tomorrow they have someone come in to hook up their computer servers and then Thursday I will be trained on the computers, and Friday we will taste the menu (oh twist my arm why don't ya!) and we are hoping to open up doors to the public on Saturday!!!

Also, I had some pretty wicked sunburn last week. Getting dressed was a nightmare, let alone thinking of putting on a sports bra and jumping around like a fish out of water.
FA GET ABOUT IT!
So I had to take care of myself.

Since I was in such a crapy mood, I felt like I would be redundant talking about the same things over and over again, so I stayed away.

But I'm back now! So have no fears!!!

Yesterday was my first day back to working out on Turbo Fire. I had Core 20.... I loved it!!! I can totally see my core getting stronger. And I did feel the results of it today, in fact I still do!!

Tonight was Fire 30 and Stretch 10, which was my very first Turbo Fire workout (awwwwww). I have been a slacker and have not been doing my stretch classes when I should (I know, I know, you can give me the stare of shame now).
But since I have been having so much pain in my lower back and hips (my sciatica is really acting up), that I figured it was my body telling me that I needed to stretch.

And boy do I feel better!!! I don't know why I stopped doing my stretches in the first place (silly girl).



Breakfast:
1 cup of 1% milk
2 scoops of EAS Lean 15 protein powder (Chocolate Fudge)
1 banana
7 ice cubes

Snack:
a few of Geoff's tater tots from Sonic
1 fat free light yogurt in wild berry crumb cake (only 100 calories from Publix)

Lunch:
1/2 of Zaxby's buffalo chicken salad
1 sweet tea

Dinner:
1/3 cup of white rice
1/2 cup of pork chop chinese stir fry
1 glass of Moscato wine with ginger ale and ice

Snack:
1/2 cup of Publix low fat frozen yogurt in Black Raspberry Chip


I am totally looking forward to my workout tomorrow! Never again will I go this long and not work out (if I can help it).

Feeling empowered all over again...
<3 Jess <3 

5/30/12 SUNNY WITH A CHANCE OF AWESOMENESS

This morning after dropping Geoff off at the CG base, I headed towards daycare to drop Patrick off at school. In the car I always talk and sing with him. Its a great moment to have some bonding time.
So, while I am driving our conversation goes something like this:
Me: Hey Patrick, do you want to go to school today?
PAC: YEAH!
Me: Okay, good! Hey Patrick, do you want to see Miss Sabrina and Miss Jessie? (His main daycare teachers who I love to pieces!!!)
PAC: YEAH!
Me: okay good! Patrick, do you want to see your friends?
PAC: YEAH!
Me: Hey PAC, who's your best friend?
PAC: (thinks for a moment) uhm.... Middy Moue!!! (Mickey Mouse)

LOL my boy is a riot!!! 

So there is still no mention from my boss that she will pay me. Although this morning when I got in the shop she said, "I've got to get some billing done. This is embarrassing."
For both of our sakes I hope she gets the money fast because I need to be paid.

I did my workout tonight!!!!

YAY ME!!! 

Tonight was another Turbo Fire 45EZ.... It just dawned on me why this one is such a doozey for me. 

1. because its kinda new (I've only done it a few times)
2. there are no "breaks" (aka no HIITs)

Either way its intense!!! My body was covered in sweat!

Yay and Eww at the same time

I do feel better now that I worked out. I feel like I am once again in control of my emotions. I hate that reckless feeling... 

Breakfast:
1 cup of 1% milk
2 scoops of EAS Lean 15 protein powder (Chocolate Fudge)
1 cup of strawberries
1/2 tablespoon of peanut butter
3 ice cubes

So I figured I would try and add something to my morning shake to help give flavor... the peanut butter was alright... 

oh and I was a silly woman, that since being upset yesterday I never filled the ice trays last night, so I only had 3 ice cubes :( 

total bummer

Lunch:

peanut butter and jelly on a tortilla 

kinda like a pb & j wrap

1 cup of fat free light yogurt

Snack:

1 kashi granola bar

Dinner: 

1 chicken thigh with bbq seasoning 

notice I said "seasoning" and not "sauce"

mac n cheese

green beans

Snack:
4 chocolate chip cookies

I belong to an amazing BeachBody group, and we have a private group on Facebook

HI TEAM!!!! 

Today our task was to post a motivational/inspirational quote.
I couldn't have thought of one better if I made this one up myself... oh wait.... I did!

Today's forecast is SUNNY with a chance of AWESOMENESS! Its gotta be sunny somewhere, and the awesomeness is up to YOU!!

I found my awesomeness for the night folks, and its from a good workout and a 2 year old who stole my heart on April 23, 2010 <3

<3 Jess <3