I wanna grow old with you.....

I cannot begin to tell you how many people in the past month have asked me why I am single.

And the fact of the matter is, I don't know. 

I am perfectly happy doing my "single girl swag". 

I like the fact that I don't have to keep "tabs" on someone, and that no one keeps "tabs" on me. 

But I am a romantic, and my heart is ready to share love. 

I miss being able to spend quality time with someone who cares about me, just as much as I care for them. 

I miss being able to care for someone. 

I'm talking about being their shoulder/ear for when the have had a bad day, to prepare a home cooked meal for them after a long day at work, to be the reason that they smile.

I miss that. 

I miss companionship. 

As much as I would love a relationship and to be able to give someone my all again, I'm not going to settle. 

This time around, I know what I deserve and I don't want to be blind sighted by infatuation. 

I want chemistry, compatibility, and companionship. 

In the end, I really want someone to grow old with. 

When people ask me the dreaded question "so, do you have a boyfriend?" I cringe when I tell them no and see the look of shock on their face. 

Am I missing something here?

Am I supposed to have a boyfriend? 

And then I think.... 

Is there something wrong with me that does not qualify me to be a candidate for a partner? 

Yes, I know that I'm still in the middle of my divorce. 

No, I will never ever EVER go back to him, even for the sake of my son. 

Yes, I know that being a single mom is probably not so desirable for some. But trust me, I didn't plan on being one, but I'll never change it for a second.

No, I do not have the body of a model. But my heart is the biggest you'll ever see/meet, and I'm the most loyal person ever. 

I know this probably sounds like I am saying "someone, anyone, just love me", but that is far from the case. 

My time on Earth (like yours) is precious and limited. I don't want to waste my time with just anyone. 

I have a right to be picky about who I spend my time with. 

So, by all means, I'm not looking for the first guy to walk my way and start planning a wedding.

I want someone who shares dreams, goals, and ambitions with me, and has their own. 

Like I said before, I want someone who I can grow old with and still be madly in love with them till the day I die. 

I want someone who will not only be a lover, but a best friend.

I know that I'm not an easy person.

I'm stubborn, forgetful, and far from perfect. 

But, whoever you are, wherever you are, I promise till my dying days that I will give 200% into a relationship, and stand beside you through the darkest storms, and bask in your glow when you see the light. 

My heart will forever be yours.

That is a promise you can count on.

♥Jess♥

Destination: FIT CITY

Have you ever worked so hard for something, started to obtain it, and then had something happen where everything you worked for was thrown away?

That is what I have done. 

In January 2012, I made it my mission to get back to my Boot Camp body. And up till July 2013, I was only 30 lbs away from that.

Only with everything that my life has thrown me the past 6 months, I have destroyed everything that I worked so hard for.

I cannot even begin to explain how upset with myself I am for this.

I'm honestly ashamed to even look into the mirror. 

But enough is enough and I'm tired of making excuses for myself.

I'm getting back on that wagon and riding it all the way to Fit City. 

I'm going to work on eating right again.
And most of all, working on exercising again.

I used to work out 6 days a week twice a day. Now I don't.

Granted the past few months I have been dealing with a leg injury.  But I will go back to listening to my body and not pushing myself to the point of injury anymore.

So..... lets see how I can keep myself accountable on here.
Before hand I had an amazing support system.  I need to find that again.

Maybe this blog can be just that :)

So.... heres to hoping that I get back on that wagon and stick to it the entire journey. 

♥Jess♥

Goodbye 25...... HELLO 26!!!

Its hard to believe that just last year I turned 25, and now I am 26.

WHERE DID MY YEAR GO?!?! 

Last year I made a bucket list of 30 things to do before I turn 30.
That means I have to do a minimum of 6 per year.

Last year I only did 3.

So! This year I have to fix that.... because quite frankly, that was pathetic.

**wamp*wamp** 

But today as I reflect on my past year, I am grateful for all of the good times that I have had.
I feel blessed to have had meet the people that I did, and become close to those.
I am blessed to have seen the nights that turned into mornings where I laughed so hard I cried.
I am blessed to have felt youth.

I am also blessed for the hardships that I endured this year.

This was also another tough year for me. 

I learned a lot about who I am, who my friends are, and what I am capable of.

I've also learned how weak I really am.
This year I want to work on my strength.
I want to become a strong and powerful woman.

No more excuses.

I'm going to get back on track on working on myself.
I need to make myself a better person so I can be a better role model for my son.

I want him to one day when he gets older look at me with pride when he tells people that I am his mom.

I'm going to work on getting rid of negative influences in my life, and focus on the positive.

I foresee this being a year of change for me.

I cannot wait to see what being 26 will bring me.


♥Jess♥ 

Happy Birthday Dear

Today is someones birthday...

This someone had once made me feel like they would never hurt me, do me harm.
I had put all my trust, faith and love into this person.

But they hurt me in ways that can never be repaired.
I'll never understand why they would go to the lengths they did to purposely hurt me, but I feel bad that they felt the need to.

I cannot fathom what I could have possibly done to hurt them to have deserved the treatment they gave me.

But I forgive them. 

I forgive them, but I'll never forget it. The friendship that we had will never be repaired, and after all they put me through, I don't want to be friends with them.

But I forgive them.

I forgive them because having hurt like that in my heart will only allow me to see pain and not enjoy the happiness that life has to offer. There is so much good in this world that I should not let one person's actions ruin my life.

Even though this person has done me wrong and hurt me, I will always wish the best for them.
I never want them to be hurt, or come to harms way.
I want them to be able to succeed in all their dreams, and live a beautiful life.

Ttoday is their birthday. A joyous day to celebrate!

Even though I won't be calling, texting them to wish them a happy birthday, I pray they have a beautiful day.
They still deserve to be able to enjoy this day.

I pray that they have a wonderful day to start off this new year of life for them. I pray that they feel loved by all of the people that surround them.

I truly wish that they have a very happy birthday.

So to you, if you ever get word of this, I hope that you see how I wish nothing but the best for you, and that this be a very special day for you. For you deserve nothing but the best that life has to offer.


♥Jess ♥

Love is Always the Answer

I have my minion home.... 

After 2 long weeks he's home.

If you are on my Facebook, you saw how my journey was.

I basically left my house at 7am to catch my 9am flight at Newark, NJ.
Then I flew to Atlanta (with a 3 hour layover).
Then flew to Florida where I waited for 2 hours till I had my son brought to the airport so we can go home.

I won't lie, I cried like a baby. 

We then flew back to Atlanta (with a 2 hour layover).
To land back in NJ, and drive home by 1am.

Can you say EXHAUSTION?! 

The next day I felt sick I was so out of it from spending the whole day traveling.

So needless to say my son has been having a hard time the last two nights going to sleep. So tonight when I put him to bed he asked me to lay with him for just "five minutes".
While we are snuggled in his bed, he tells me that he loves me. And I tell him that I love him back.
He then asks me if I love his Daddy.

And at first I was really confused.
Should I tell him what really happened between me and his dad, on why we didn't work out?
Should I just ignore his question?

And then an answer came from me that I was shocked to hear.

Yes

And as we drifted off to sleep I was thinking "why did I say that?"

I think I have an answer to it...
A part of me, no matter how hurt, how mad, how disgusted with him that I am, will always love him. After all, at one point I thought that I was going to spend forever with him.
After all, he is the father of the one person that I love most in this world.

I have to give him some credit for that..... Just not too much.

So it got me to thinking....

Even if we know that a person isn't right for us, or meant to be ours, if you cared about them at one point, you'll always care about them.

And that goes with any relationship.
Falling outs with family and friends; you'll always care for them, if you ever really cared for them.

I know in the heat of the moment I will say things that I don't mean about my son's father, but deep down, for my son's sake, I never want anything to happen to him.
In general I don't want bad things to happen to anyone.

Yes, we always talk about karma coming to bite people in the ass for the wrong doings that they have done to us. But, what do we really gain when we try hope, pray, participate in sabotaging someone?

In the end we don't get closure. 

All we get is a poisoned heart. 

What good does a poisoned heart do for us?
It corrupts our ability to participate in the love and good that this world has to offer.

We shouldn't be trying to "one up" people for what they have done.
Instead, we should feel sorry that they felt the need to hurt you, and pray/hope that they find peace in their heart that they made it a mission to spread hate and not love.

That is honestly something that I have been thinking of for some time.

I never want to wish ill on anyone. And for those who wish ill towards me, I feel sorry for you that you feel this way, and all I can do is hope that you find peace in your heart to allow room for love.

I don't know what the rest of my life has to offer me, but I hope to one day be able to continue to share a life of compassion like this.

Life is too hard to not want to see others succeed. We should all be trying to help each other out in that sense. Spreading love is the only way to make this world a better place.


♥Jess ♥

Jess like Yess is back!!!

So, I caved.
I went back to Facebook.

I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!!! 

Okay, that does sound wrong and weird but it is the truth. I've been miserable without it. I had anxiety without it!

That's bad. 

Does it make me a bad person that I caved back to the magical world of Facebook after just one week?

I'm not sure.

Does it mean that I'm a weak person because I caved?

Probably, but I know I am a strong person in other areas.

Does this mean that I will try to give it up again?

Maybe, in the future. But I think the time I spent away from it was just what I needed. 

I don't have time for drama, and I don't have time for petty bullshit. I need to work on being able to mend my self to make a whole again. And if this offends you #sorryimnotsorry .

On a side note....

If I hear one more person telling me that I will one day make a man very happy I will kick them in the shins.

Thats right, in the shins.

I shouldn't be what makes a man happy. He should already be happy, and complete. But when I meet him, my life would just enhance his.
Just like I want to make sure that I am whole before I add someone else to my world. No matter how you try, two broken people do not make a whole.
I've learned that the hard way.

It sucks.

But at the same time, I'm still hopeful.

After all, I am a hopeless romantic...


♥Jess ♥

With Eyes Wide Open

Do you ever feel like when you take 2 steps forward you end up taking 3 steps back?

I feel like I'm on the 3 steps back right now.

I've been trying really hard to eat right, and exercise. I'm not sure if I'm losing any weight. I'll check probably next week. But with working out, I have messed up my knee (BIG TIME). I've been in pain all weekend when I walk.

I know that it's always a case where I need to lose weight so I won't hurt my knees anymore, but I have to exercise to lose weight. So, no matter what I will have knee pain.

It sucks.

But hey, what can you do? You just have to learn how to play the hand of cards that life has dealt you.

Lately I feel like I keep getting the shitty deal of things. And lately I'm realizing that in all actuality, it's nothing personal.

Everyone in life goes through ups, and downs. And it's always easy to be fixated on the things that don't make our lives run smoothly. I know I tend to get in the "woe is me" mode from time to time. But I've realized, that I shouldn't. I really am blessed with everything. Even the downs, because it is teaching me strength.

What they say is true, you never know how strong you are until strong is your only option.

The first time that PAC left for FL to visit his dad I only cried when he left that morning, and when I picked him up. Yes I did get teary-eyed a few times in between, but I'm talking about a full on bawl fest where I can't see and my eyes are puffy afterwards. This time I feel was different. It was a different kind of pain of him leaving. But all I know is that I still have 5 days till I have my heart back where he belongs, with my heart. And soon, I'll be counting down the hours!

I just started watching the tv show Lost. Now, I'm only up to maybe episode 4 (I think), so I'm horrible with names. But I believe the character Charlie, has a tattoo on his shoulder that reads:

"Living is easy with eyes closed."

Now take a minute, and chew that in your head.

To me, it means that it's easy to live your life with blinders on, without letting people in. It's easy to go about life just focusing on you, and your "problems" never worrying about anyone but yourself.

But allowing people into your life, is what makes life so fun. Living with blinders on (or your eyes closed) has you living in black and white. But living with your eyes open, you see color, and that color enhances every aspect of your life from hereon out.

Keeping your eyes open allows you to see all the different hues that life has to offer. It will forever make an impact on you and change your every existence. It allows your life to be full, and rich.

People are the colors that life has to offer. And quite frankly, I can't imagine my life without color. I love it, it has shaped who I am, and it in return has given me color. I am grateful for the opportunities that life has allowed me to visualize these hues.

It won't be easy, and it will be overwhelming, but I will choose to live with my eyes open. For anything worth doing right is never easy. Anything that is of substance doesn't come easy. To be given the gift to experience the life I have been given, I want to relish and absorb all that it has to offer.

You'll never learn new things until you try them, and you'll find out how strong you are until you have to learn to be. It's true when they say that you never stop learning things. You'll always have to encounter new experiences, and you'll always face new obstacles. I guess its a good thing that I always liked school, and that I love to learn.

I'm soaking up life, like a sponge.


♥Jess ♥